Fata viam invenient

I need you right now.
So much.

It seems that I need an outlet again. At least until I have an address in hand.

I never realized how much you bring to my day. Worry, smiles, fun, annoyance, companionship, love, laughs, snorts that were supposed to be laughs, ease.

I haven’t gone a day since November 8th without communicating with you in some way.  It’s been 32 hours now, and it’s not that it’s painful or miserable.  It’s empty.  

It’s like waking up from a dream.  One of those that seemed to last days upon weeks upon months during the dream and was entirely realistic.  It was realistic and you were convinced that it was your life. And it was some type of perfection and beautiful that you yearn for daily— whether you realize it or not. It feels like I just woke from that.  Only to blink and feel a different world descending on my life.  Myself already caught up in something unfamiliar to me.  

I was getting ready to go to sleep just now, and within a span of a few seconds my mind went through the habitual process of acknowledging that you hadn’t called, picking up the phone, dialing your number, and putting it to my ear before the realization hit me harder than a meteor.  

You wouldn’t answer. You couldn’t. You won’t. 

I won’t be getting a call back tonight when you wake up at 3:20 from falling asleep on your couch while watching Storage Wars, half-awake telling me a story about something I told you before groggily saying you’re going to sleep.

You won’t pull me close and nuzzle my head and say sweet dreams despite having slept for hours already. 

I’ll keep lying here with Pigicorn, both of us wrapped up in your flannel with your fleece beside us for safe measure.  We’ll be listening to voice mails from the past 6 months.  

We’ll be here right where we promised before shaking off the tears and forcing the smiles, prying our own arms away. 

Goodbye, internet silence.

I am the happiest/most safe within myself/alive that I have been in a long while.  I haven’t been using this blog. I noticed it.

I have no reason to.  I’m allowing myself to take away the negative life lens and cleanse myself of the bad.  To accept evils for what they are and understand that nothing is evil for the sake of being so.  There is good in the root of all things, only misguidance gnarls it. 

I have things in my life to love and make me realize that I have potential to be. 

In short, I appreciate the haven this blog has been for me, but I do not need it right now.  Later I may, I hope not,  but I may.  Perhaps at some point I will use it to share good things. But for now, instead of letting it sit vacant and waiting, I feel it’s best to make a formal conclusion.  Not deleting, but a note so that I do not feel a tug of obligation and it is not waiting for my words.

May you live every day of your life.

xx

Goodbye, internet silence.

I am the happiest/most safe within myself/alive that I have been in a long while.  I haven’t been using this blog. I noticed it.

I have no reason to.  I’m allowing myself to take away the negative life lens and cleanse myself of the bad.  To accept evils for what they are and understand that nothing is evil for the sake of being so.  There is good in the root of all things, only misguidance gnarls it. 

I have things in my life to love and make me realize that I have potential to be. 

In short, I appreciate the haven this blog has been for me, but I do not need it right now.  Later I may, I hope not,  but I may.  Perhaps at some point I will use it to share good things. But for now, instead of letting it sit vacant and waiting, I feel it’s best to make a formal conclusion.  Not deleting, but a note so that I do not feel a tug of obligation and it is not waiting for my words.

May you live every day of your life.

xx

3000 word International Politics paper due Tuesday? Bring it on. 

Perhaps I’ll have a chance at padding my Freyman grade.  At least slightly. Maybe.

Oh, thank you father for reminding me another way in which I am inadequate and not hard-working enough. I needed that after already being reminded by Freyman. I’ll add it to the list.

I just spent 20 minutes crying in his driveway. I don’t even know.
“love of my life”
I have something. If nothing in this house. I needed a cry and just those few words of encouragement.

Actually, no Wesley.  I don’t want to go to your house.  I don’t like your mother at all, much less do I want to be reminded that you won’t be there for long.

Sorry, I’m not sorry.

I’ve never had the slightest bit of negative emotion in relation to his parents.  Ever.

Well, not until this past weekend.  Not until on a whim they decided to move.  To buy a million dollar house in the middle of a snotty neighborhood half an hour into the city.  To leave the house they’d raised their children in with nothing but elation.  Without even taking into account what it meant. 

I’m being selfish, I realize that I am in one aspect.  In an aspect that makes me nervous and anxious and only worsens everything that I’ve felt in the past week, but there’s an aspect in which my hate for this isn’t entirely selfish.

I moved houses 12 times in my life.  When one was empty I’d take my final walk through, saying goodbye, allowing myself those last moments to let the memories float around before locking them away.  In a place that they would never be able to get out of.

Moving is terrible enough when you have no control over it.  My parents didn’t, unless you considered joining the Army to give me a flying chance at life a choice.  Moving was part of it, and I still held some bitterness towards them.

Here his parents are, on whim leaving a house that they have paid for.  A house that they have made home.  A house that is the center of everyone’s life. As someone who never had a choice, it pisses me off that they’d do this for no reason whatsoever.

He’ll have to quit his job.
He’ll live half an hour away. All the time.
His drive to school will be thirty minutes, not counting traffic.

Fuck them.